BBBBBBBBAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

There, that was nice wasn't it????


I hate you all. All you oblivious fools…

Some friends of mine once labeled me an “Evil Genius” and I suppose that given the right situation and the right goods at my disposal I could be capable of some terrible things.

I would, of course, be pushed to the edge by a series of unfortunate accidents and incidents which lead me over the edge of sanity into a world where I must ‘fix this shithole’ and make things better.

This will very much include genocide on a mass scale, all in the name of separating the wheat from the chaff, the good from the bad and the worthy from the useless.

I’d be a very good dictator. They’d call me the Happy Smiling Bastard I’m sure, and I would cry myself to sleep torturing myself over all the wrongs I have done in order to make the world a better place, in my minds eye.

Sadly I’m starting to get very cynical about most things. Can’t you tell?

I’m cynical that the world is tearing itself apart due to an overwhelming negative feeling. I’m cynical that I don’t have a long-term financial working future. I’m cynical about relationships.

That’s my main issue of course. I mean, when is it ever something else?

My vague mood is summed up by the fact that I know all that there is to know, but find myself mentally incapable of taking charge of my situation. Maybe it's why I'm only attracted to strong personalities: I need someone to make up for my lack of conviction. I'm just too damn flexible and not anywhere near stubborn enough [unless you count how stubborn I am at not trying for once] I also let myself be too quick to take a percieved moral high ground rather than just enjoy the damn moment.

Bah. I've worked myself up and had written two alternative posts instead of this. Instead I've been just trying to cobble together the sentences and make some actual sense about this.

Being the hapless romantic I am, I long for companionship. Gladys, my spooning pillow has somewhat been getting a workout lately as my emotional ‘safety blanket.’ But as I’m so often reminded, as the old Coke slogan says: “It’s the real thing, in the back of your mind, that you’re hoping to find.”

But at the same time the last few months I’ve been pretty good about it. I happily ignored the fact that my expected ‘summer girl’ came and went without stopping by to say hello, since I was too busy enjoying summer to really care. I’ve even taken myself off the ‘one year probation’ I had mentally placed myself on as punishment for my perceived sins and wrong doings.

Dammit to hell. I'm not that annoyed now that I think about it. What's the point in bitchy-blogging if you're not really as annoyed as you think you're making it out to be?

I just can't help but get frustrated when someone reminds me of that very sore and reasonably well known[ish] part of my personal history. I'm annoyed that it gets to me, and that if you catch me at the wrong moment, the briefest mention of it can kill me a little more inside.

I've mentally trained myself to be impervious to most things. Most physical pain can be taken away merely by the power of the mind, and the same applies to emotions, but they are of course much harder, and I'm terrible at containing ill will. Especially when it's on the topic of something that was quite important to me.

Now it's just made me bitter. I think I have mentally brainwashed myself into feeling pretty much nothing when it comes to physical attraction to someone. Call it a by-product of years of neglect and a shock reaction to the ‘big event,’ but I seem to have taught myself to feel nothing at all. Well, not nothing ALL the time, I am human, I just have more 'off' moments now than 'on' ones. 90% of people just don't interest me as much anymore. I used to love everyone and everything. I wonder where that part of me has gone.

Gah, bitchy posts are so easy to get off track...

Let's just leave it for now. A momentary lack of consideration on my behalf. Just don't expect to talk to me about how awesome something is when I just can't relate.

I'm usually pretty ok, and reasonably good natured when it comes to it. I'm a understandable and educated lad, and I've certainly got alot of thoughts on the topic of both relationships and sex. Just don't expect someone with my messy past to take it on the chin all the time without feeling a little annoyed about it.

Christ, it's funny how one little thing can set me off. Today I wasn't so worried about it, but tonight I felt like I should blog about it. Now I'm not in the mood but hate deleting things, so I'll leave this jumbled mess here. Even if most of it doesn't reflect my reality. I just get myself into a frenzy, say things that seem worse than they are, and then realise that I've been spinning bullshit for hours.

And there you go. Confused? I sure as hell am. I'm not even sure what it is that really annoyed me in the first place. I'm just not annoyed enough to make sense...

So instead I'll leave you with the very nice news that Bob has been officially selected at the Open Aperture Film Festival in the US [small fry stuff really, but nice nonetheless], and hopefully fun is had by all.